Making a Fresh Start

The start of a New Year is a time when we traditionally think about fresh starts.  Perhaps you’re considering:

  • a new diet
  • a new exercise programme
  • a new course of study
  • learning a new language / skill

This year, particularly, might be triggering thoughts of change and new beginnings, given that it is also the start of a new decade and, here in the UK, it’s the year in which we will finally leave Europe and start to see what impact this will have on the country.

All of this can feel very overwhelming, and the new year / decade can seem to stretch out ahead with perhaps too many choices and insufficient information or resources – an intimidating blank canvas where you have no idea where to start or where you might end up.

  • How do you know which choice is the ‘right’ one for you?
  • Where can you find information / support?
  • What do you do if it all goes wrong?

Alternatively, you might feel that you are stuck in a situation with no / very few options, which can feel oppressive and very daunting.

  • What can you do when you feel powerless and that the choices are out of your control?
  • What can you do to improve your situation?

First of all, let me reassure you that you’re not alone in feeling this way.  Social media might make it look as if ‘everyone else’ has their lives sorted, but it’s just not true!

The first important step, I believe, is to stop, take a step back and take a deep breath.  Tell yourself that it’s going to be ok – and it is!  Think of all those times when you’ve overcome challenges in the past.  You’ve faced difficulties before and have made it through every time.  They might not have ended how you’d have chosen, but you survived, and you learnt new strategies and became the person you are today.

Remember, too, that it’s ok to make mistakes.  When we face a new situation, we can’t be expected to have all the answers, or the skills, to handle things perfectly, first time.  Rather than viewing Life as a series of ‘tests’ that we have to pass, why not see it as opportunities to practise, learn and grow.  Be gentle and forgiving with yourself – and keep a sense of humour.  The ability to laugh with (not at 😊 ) ourselves, is such a fabulous thing to cultivate!

To support this, practise an attitude of openness and curiosity, also known as a Beginner’s Mind.  This enables us to keep a fresh perspective and not to get stuck in old patterns or limiting beliefs.  It also helps us not to take things personally, but to look instead at what was behind the words or events that we found upsetting.  We can look, too, at what we’re feeling and explore our responses to develop greater self-awareness, -understanding and -compassion.

Also, remember that 1 January isn’t the only day in the year when you can make a fresh start! 

When you make a choice, it doesn’t have to be forever.  You are free to change your mind.  There is no situation in which you can’t change something.  And if you can’t alter the situation itself, you can always choose to change how you feel about it.

There are no ‘wrong’ choices either.  If you haven’t tried something before, how can you know if it will be a good fit for you?  You can choose to see it as exploring a new path, and if you find that you’re unhappy with the choice you made for some reason, then you can make a new choice.  Of course, this isn’t always easy, particularly when it impacts on other people, but when you can stay open, honest (with yourself and them) and authentic, you will be doing your best, and that is all that is required.

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Remember, too, that your past doesn’t define you. We’ve all made mistakes and done things that in hindsight we’re not proud of, but these don’t have to hold you back. Don’t let guilt or an over-developed sense of responsibility keep you captive (I’ve been there!). Know that each morning brings a new beginning and a new opportunity for you to decide who you want to be and what that will look like. And it’s never too late to start! Sometimes it might be challenging, if the people around you expect you to be the same person you were yesterday. They might be uncomfortable with change, and so prefer you to stay as you were. But you are free to be true to yourself, and to grow and develop as feels right to you. Anyway, Life is full of change, and we need to adapt and go with it in order to thrive. (I’ll be posting more about this dynamic process next month.) I once read a saying that made me smile and so it’s become a kind of motto for me: Just yell ‘plot twist!‘ and move on. 😊

We can only ever have power over, and responsibility for, our own choices and their consequences.  But when we accept this, and when we can hold them ‘lightly’ – by which I mean with authenticity, flexibility, curiosity and humour – then our world really is a brighter place.

If you would like to explore this further, please see my website and / or contact me:

Coming Home to the Self

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about why I do what I do, and why I love working with the people who come to me.  Basically, it’s because I was that person

Rewind a few years and I was very unhappy.  Initially I tried to tell myself that I was ‘fine’, or at least that I was ‘coping’ and that “many other people have things much worse than me”, but I was experiencing health problems which were leaving me feeling low, exhausted and overwhelmed.

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At the time I thought that if this or that thing changed, or if this or that person would just do things differently, then ‘everything would be ok’.  In short, I was looking for answers outside of myself.  I tried various options, including counselling, but they just weren’t helping to make the changes I so desperately craved.  I wanted someone who would really listen, and give me the advice, support and tools I felt I needed for things to feel better.

I continued searching, which led me to an online course entitled Integral Enlightenment , run by Craig Hamilton.  This course encouraged the participants to view life from both a relative/duality perspective (our daily experience) and also an absolute perspective, ie the perspective that is outside of Time and Space.  This helped me to develop a deeper self-awareness and a consciousness of my responsibility for my own actions, thoughts, beliefs and feelings, while also knowing where this responsibility ends; that is, to discern the things that are not mine to take on board.  (Having been a first-born child, a ‘fixer’, a ‘control freak’ and a ‘perfectionist’, this was a big step for me!) 

I started to see – and accept – that the only thing I could change in my situation was me!  I had been trying to ‘fit in’, and to go along with others in order to ‘keep the peace’, thinking that this was my only option, but each time I said ‘Yes’ to something that didn’t feel right to me – either verbally or through my actions – I was effectively saying ‘No’ to myself.  This was causing me high levels of stress and deep unhappiness.  It was part of a pattern that I had learnt as a child, but it was no longer serving me.  Something needed to shift in me for me to feel better.  The answers had to come from within, not without. 

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Far from making me feel helpless, I suddenly felt that I had the power to choose which direction I would go from there.

For me, this naturally led on to exploring:

  • Who am I, and what do I want in my life?
  • What are my values, and how can I be more aligned with these?

I began to understand that when I am honest with myself about my feelings, reactions and responses – and I take responsibility for these – then life is simpler, and feels more authentic and less overwhelming.

Also, when I was able to get clearer on my values and I how I could express these with integrity, I felt empowered and recharged.

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I came to realise that when my thoughts, values, beliefs and actions are congruent, it’s a very peaceful– and also powerful – place to be.  It brings new clarity, insight and energy, and allows me to feel comfortable in my Self.  That is, I feel ‘at home’ in my own skin.  And, isn’t this sense of knowing who we really are, and feeling safe and able to fully Be that Self, isn’t this what we really want from Life?

I came to realise that although I had thought I needed advice, support and ‘tools’ in order to change my life, what I really needed was a safe space to explore who I really am and how to Be that more fully.  I worked with a couple of therapists along the way who helped me to do this exploration.  They mostly just held that safe space and walked alongside of me, sometimes asking me questions or helping to shine a light for me to find my own steps.  I discovered that this was actually what I wanted and needed, rather than advice.  Their support was gentle, encouraging and offered with a ‘light touch’, mostly just allowing me to see that the wisdom and resources that I needed were already within me, all I needed was a way to connect with them. 

I’m sharing a little of what my journey looked like, not to say that anyone else should take these same steps, but to give hope to anyone who is struggling right now.  I know that everyone is an individual and so their journey will be unique to them.  There is no ‘one size fits all’, but that is the wonder and beauty of Life in all its richness, variety and colour.   That’s why I don’t have a fixed programme for people to follow and my work is always tailor-made to the person and their situation.

I am now honoured to share parts of the  journeys of some amazing people, holding space and shining light for them as they find their own path and reconnect with their inner power and beauty.  Each one of them is an inspiration and a joy to me, and I love to watch as they find their feet and step into their ability to continue on without me, or to return periodically for a bit of self-care.

If you’d like to know more about this process, please see my website:

            equenergy.com

And if you were wondering about how my health is now:

  • I haven’t had a migraine in years
  • My eczema has cleared
  • I haven’t had an episode of IBS either
  • We now live on a Welsh hillside and I care for 2 horses which means that I’m pushing barrow-loads of hay up and down to the fields and poo-picking a couple of times a day, so my energy and fitness levels are also much improved!

Having reached a vey low point myself, I know how despair can suck all the Life and fun out of everything.  But having found my way back I can tell you that the sun shines even brighter now, because I appreciate it all the more 😊

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My animal is showing anxious and defensive behaviours – what can I do?

How to recognise the escalation steps and know the appropriate response at each level

In another role, I recently attended a 1-day refresher course in MAPA® (Management of Actual and Perceived Aggression) run by CPI (the Crisis Prevention Institute).  This course looks at what happens when an individual’s tension starts to rise, and how we can respond – rather than react – in order to hopefully diffuse the tension before it escalates further and possibly turns into aggression.

MAPA® teaches that there are 4 stages in this process:

  1. Anxiety
  2. Defensiveness
  3. Risky behaviour
  4. Tension reduction

When we can respond appropriately at each stage, it allows us to address the level of tension in the ‘least restrictive’ manner.

The suggested responses are:

  1. Be supportive
  2. Be directive
  3. Use (minimal and proportionate) physical intervention
  4. Engage in therapeutic rapport

Listening to the trainer, I began to realise that this makes a lot of sense for our interactions with our animal friends too! 

I like simplicity (as you might have seen in my recent post) and so MAPA®’s 4-step process resonated with me and I thought I would share, in case it might prove helpful for others too.

The first step we need to take is to observe, and become familiar with, our animal’s baseline behaviours:

  • How do they appear in a variety of situations and settings?
  • What does their ‘happy’ look like?
  • What does their ‘slightly uneasy’ look like?
  • What does their ‘worried’ or ‘anxious’ look like?
  • If they have a disagreement with another horse, what behaviours do they show and how do they behave afterwards? (ie during the tension reduction phase)
  • What do they enjoy? What are they good at?

When we know the answers to these questions, then we can start to gauge where our animal is on their scale of tension, and how we might begin to support them at each level.

Sometimes however, we don’t notice / recognise the subtle signals an animal displays to say that they’re beginning to feel anxious.  These might be a tension around the eyes, mouth and ears, or behavioural clues such as yawning or looking away.

Most – if not all – animals would prefer to keep their tension levels as low as possible, therefore their early signals are an invitation to us to offer support in some way.  If we aren’t able to at least attempt to offer this – and animals are generally very forgiving, tolerant and accepting of our sometimes stumbling and clumsy attempts – then their anxiety will probably move up to defensive behaviour.

At this level we could see things like threats to kick or bite in horses, or bared teeth and growling in dogs.  Unfortunately, particularly with animals who have been punished for giving these signals, we might perceive that they ‘suddenly jump’ into the risky behaviour of charging or biting.  However, if we are able to spot defensive signals, then the MAPA® suggested response is to be directive.  With animals, since we don’t have a shared verbal language, this will need to be in the form of body language or movement on our part.

You could, of course, use a verbal command such as ‘No!’, but I believe that if this was successful it could have the same outcome as punishment, in that it might restrict the animal’s choices in communicating their feelings.  Over time they might stop showing the lower level signals all together, meaning that we no longer have the opportunity to step in and respond to help them release / channel their tension.

Our animals can’t learn to speak, however with a bit of effort and practice we can learn to read their body language and facial expression (see more about this in my blog series) and work together to create a set of signals that have meaning for both participants.

At this level we can use ‘re-direction’, that is shifting the focus to something else.  The ‘something’ would depend on the individual, but you could use things like movement, play, touch or breath.  Obviously, this should be something that you know the animal likes, or already knows how to do, and so can feel the reassurance of doing something that is ‘easy’ for them and at which they can be ‘successful’.

When the animal has reached defensive behaviour, they are beginning to lose the ability to think rationally which is why the response is to make the decisions and direct the activity at this point.

However, if we miss this opportunity for the animal to release their tension, the next step is risky behaviour.  This is when their behaviour becomes much more dangerous, that is, the animal attacks in some way.  At this point they have completely lost the power of rational thought and their entire focus is self-preservation. They have lost the ability to be conscious of our vulnerability!  The training from CPI – which I highly recommend – covers a range of disengagements from various holds, but with animals, unless you’re trained and have the necessary protective gear, the best response at this point is to get out!  Move away and get to a place of safety.

No animal, including ourselves, can hold this level of tension for a sustained period.  It takes a lot of energy and is exhausting.  When they run out of steam, they need to be allowed a period of tension reduction.  For some this will mean being allowed to have some quiet time by themselves, whereas others might want contact and reassurance. This allows the individual to recover their sense of balance and can give us a chance to re-establish bonds of friendship and trust that might be feeling a little frayed.

We too might need support after being the target of an animal’s risky behaviour, to help us recover and not lose our confidence

It’s important to point out here that these steps don’t necessarily progress only in a linear fashion. An individual who has started to ‘de-escalate’ in tension, could be re-triggered back up the scale at any point, if they haven’t yet reached full tension reduction, so be aware of possible triggers and of any signs that their arousal level is increasing again.

I hope this simple set of steps helps to provide a useful way of approaching tension in your animals, but please remember that your safety must come first at all times.  If you feel that you need support, I recommend calling on the services of a good behaviourist to help you build a deeper – and safer – connection.

(Images courtesy of Google Images and Canva)

So, you’re a horse whisperer then?

Clarifying some misconceptions about the work that I do

Often, when people hear what I do, I get asked this question, but for me it’s not so much about whispering, it’s about listening.

Another misconception is that I offer Equine Facilitated Therapy.  This isn’t strictly true either, at least not in the traditional sense.

So, I thought that it might be a good idea to explain a little more about my work, or at least a part of it.  In this post, I’m going to look at one of my favourite aspects – where the horses and people come together.

My aim is that this should be a mutually beneficial experience, that is, that both the horses and the people should be supported by their time together. 

I often see animals used in therapy or assistance roles and I wonder what, if anything, they get from this.  Sometimes they have a particular role to play, a ‘job’ if you will, for example a guide dog, and they provide a much-valued service, but when do they get something back?  Guide dogs, I know, are well looked after and they’re given regular health checks, but their role can be stressful at times. 

Things are shifting and there are many programmes out there now that are seeking to come from a more heart-centred and animal-led perspective.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all assistance and therapy animals were given more support in their roles?  This could be offered in the form of massages, Reiki and self-selection sessions, for example, just like we might take a ‘spa-day’ if we’ve had a tough few weeks at work.

I used to volunteer with a group who gave horse riding lessons for people with disabilities.  This offered many benefits to the riders, but the horses were often stressed, which came out in ‘unwanted’ behaviours.  Some of these horses had to be retired as they were no longer suitable for the role.  I struggled with this and wanted to find a different approach, one where both parties felt better after their sessions.

So here at Equenergy I’m exploring a different way.

If you’ve been following my posts, you’ll know that we have 2 horses living here.  Both have had challenging experiences in the past.  Dakota (Dax) was taken from his mother at 1 month of age and left to starve.  When he was rescued, he was riddled with worms and had to have extensive veterinary support.  Thankfully he is now a very healthy 8-year-old, however his tough start in life has left him with some emotional issues.

‘Rika was a brood mare for many years.  She was used for breeding and all of her foals were taken from her to be sold on.  When she didn’t conceive after being put with a stallion, they decided that she was no longer of any use and put her out for the meat wagon.  She is the most beautiful, gentle soul you could ever hope to meet, but she was considered ‘worthless’ if she couldn’t produce any more foals.

‘Rika (left) and Dakota (Dax)

These 2 beautiful animals support me in my work, and I want this to be something that benefits them too and supports them in becoming happier and healthier individuals.

I believe that for anyone to offer a therapeutic space for another, they should have the space and opportunity to have that support for themselves.  As a therapist and coach myself, I need to have worked – and be continuing to work – on my own issues in order to be able to hold a healing space for others.  I think this is also true for animals who are involved in this field. 

All of us are still ‘works in progress’ and there is much to be gained by travelling the healing path together. Take, for example, the programmes in America where offenders are paired with rescued dogs or horses and together they learn how to create a healthier, more balanced life for themselves. 

I’d love to see more opportunities for mutual learning, creation and growth of this kind.  We might not have the perfect answers yet, but with time and an open, curious mindset, hopefully we will find a way to walk alongside our animals in ways where they benefit from the partnership as much as we do.

I recently wrote about ‘rewilding’, and I believe strongly that our animals have much to teach us on this subject, too.  But in order for them to be able to do so more fully and authentically, they must be allowed to be as ‘wild’ as possible themselves.  I know that this is a real challenge, on even a small scale, with the resources that most of us have available, but I think that the more we can give healthy freedom to the animals in our care, even when it challenges us, the more we can learn and grow.

So how do I bring people and horses together?

A session with the horses here at Equenergy means that you get to stand just outside the field and start by getting grounded and tuning in to the energy of the place and all the living things around you.  Horses are naturally curious animals so often they soon come over to meet with us and may spend some time in this shared space.

I encourage people to be ‘mindful’, that is, to be fully aware of their surroundings: the sun, breeze or even rain on their skin, the sounds, sights and smells around them.  This helps us to get present, and when we’re fully present it helps us to release anxieties and tensions as these generally relate to memories from the past or worries about the future. 

When we can be in this ‘present’ state and hold that energy / vibration, it encourages those around us to enter this same state.  It’s rather like a tuning fork that causes other things to resonate with the same frequency.  Calming our breathing and our heart rate, through getting present, supports others to do the same.  It’s a phenomenon known as ‘entrainment’  and you can read more about it in the work of the HeartMath Institute and Dr Ellen Kaye Gehrke.  Horses are particularly sensitive to this, so when we can enter this state in their presence, it supports their wellbeing as well as our own.  Not only that, but their electromagnetic field is much larger and stronger than ours, so when they enter into this state it strengthens the energy for us – this creates a wonderful healing circle with the energy flowing in and around and bringing benefit to all within the space.

Another aspect of this for the person / people in the session is that I ask them to observe and take note of any feelings and thoughts that are coming up for them.  I might also ask them to see what they can feel from the horses: can they get a sense of their energy? Do they pick up anything when they tune in to either / both of them?  These are things that we can then explore if they would like to work further with me, using a tailored wellbeing package, looking at any issues they wish to address, or objectives that they would like to achieve.

If this is something that would interest you, or you’d like to have a taster session with the horses to see if it resonates with you, I’m happy to have a no-obligation chat.  Just give me a call or drop me a line:

robyn@equenergy.com

07980669303

https://equenergy.com/contact-location/

Diversity

Last week I wrote about the importance of Keeping It Simple & Straightforward so, on the surface, the title for this week’s post might seem a bit of a contradiction.  And maybe this is one of those fabulous paradoxes that I love!  But as well as valuing simplicity, I also feel that diversity is essential and should be celebrated.

This world would be a dull place indeed if we were all the same – and we don’t really want that… or do we?!  In many ways we like variety.  It offers us lots of choices, and when it’s about food, clothes, holidays, jobs, even breeds of dog(!) it seems our view is that ‘the more the merrier’.

But when it comes down to ‘our neighbour’, it appears that we’re sometimes less flexible.  Even here in the UK I see signs of some people being uncomfortable around those of a different colour or religion; or those who have made different lifestyle choices; or who express themselves in a ‘non-binary’ or ‘atypical’ ways.

In a way, I ‘get that’.  I grew up in a society that was almost all white.  My family was middle class.  Gender was much more clearly defined – at least in my little corner of the world.  This was my norm, my comfort zone, and these were the values that I subconsciously absorbed.

Sometimes, now, I notice my mind throwing out thoughts that come from these unconscious values.  Or I find myself judging, or feeling uncomfortable, in certain situations or with particular people.  But I’ve learnt that I can look at these thoughts and feelings and decide whether or not they are how I choose to respond.  Generally, they come from ‘voices’ that I have internalised, and not from what I actually believe.

Subconscious conditioning runs deep, and lack of experience can make us feel awkward in some situations but, as everyone is an individual anyway, I generally find that it’s ok to ask questions about how people wish to be referred to, or what their needs, beliefs or choices might be, as long as this is done from an open and non-judgemental mindset.  In fact, it shows that we’re taking an interest, we’re open to learning, and that we care.

The biggest ‘difference’ that I saw when I was young, was that of age, as I was fortunate to have regular contact with my extended family.

I was fascinated by ‘other’ though, and how experience might differ when viewing the world through other eyes, or from another perspective, be that cultural, religious, experiential, or whatever.

Going to secondary school brought it home to me that for many in my part of the world (Belfast, Northern Ireland), I was ‘other’.  Being a Catholic in a mixed (mostly Protestant) school and as a girl from a single-sex primary who went on to do Physics, Chemistry and Biology A levels with mostly boys in the classes, I was the one in the minority.

Later I moved to Manchester and then greater London, before settling for many years in Bristol.  I’ve also been fortunate to travel round much of Europe and to have visited the States a couple of times, and it’s true what they say – it really does broaden the mind.

In addition, I’ve worked in the Deaf Community and become fluent in Sign Language.  Now there’s a way to really explore a different way of perceiving and interacting with the world!

If you follow my social media posts you might be aware that I’m a fan of Abraham Hicks.  I love what they say about difference and not resisting the things that don’t align with our own world view.

The misunderstanding we often make is to feel threatened by difference, but in reality there is plenty of room for us all to co-exist and no-one else’s life choices can have a negative impact on us if we just allow them to do their own thing while authentically, and gently, holding our own boundaries.

Nature is a great example of this.  Each species finds its own niche.  They live in ways that are authentic to their needs and don’t demand that other species change to be like them.  Some are predators and some are prey but, when left to live in a natural way, a balance is achieved that benefits all.  As conditions change, plants and animals have to adapt.  To resist this change is to risk extinction.

Here at Equenergy, we had a visit from someone from the Gwent Wildlife Trust.  He came to survey the land and to record its flora and fauna.  It was exciting to see the range and variety that we have here.  We should receive a report later in the year, with suggestions on how to maintain, and even enhance this diversity.

Here in the UK it’s currently looking like it might be a lovely summer, so if you’re looking forward to some holidays – either abroad or more locally – I encourage you to notice how you respond to being in a new environment and enjoy this opportunity to see things from a perspective that differs, even slightly, from your day-to-day norm.

I’d love to hear about what you notice and I invite you to post about your experiences in the comments below.

It’s a rich and beautiful world out there!

Let’s celebrate all its colours and flavours 😊

Simplicity

Did you know that next Friday, 12 July is National Simplicity Day?

I’ve been a fan of simplicity for a long time, believing that we as humans – and certainly myself as an individual – can have a great tendency to overcomplicate things.

I think this is at least in part due to our brain’s negative bias – its need to always be on the lookout for things that could potentially do us harm.  As a result, it comes up with all sorts of scenarios of what could happen, or why something is happening or why that person is looking at me that way…  Our imaginations run riot with complex and convoluted permutations – not just one, but several for each scenario.  It’s no wonder that we think life is multi-layered and difficult to understand!

But when we relax and go with the flow, it usually turns out that things were actually much easier – and simpler – than we’d thought.  At the very least, it means that there is only one way in which things play out, not the many possibilities that we’d imagined in our heads.

So I’m all for getting back to simplicity!

I love Nature and what it can teach us about keeping things simple.  On the surface it might look complex, but in reality it’s often a simple pattern that repeats itself many times.  The deeper we look, the simpler it becomes.

Animals too can help us, because they generally live very much in the present, concerned with the basic needs of eating, drinking, finding shelter and the continuation of their genes.  They don’t worry about tomorrow or last week or about what their herd or pack mate is thinking about them.  They mostly go through their day just Being.  This allows them to be mindful and grounded because their minds aren’t distracted by anxious thoughts and worries.

Of course it also means that they aren’t as creative as humans and our brains obviously have an important role to play in this tapestry of Life, but I think we often get too caught up in thought patterns that don’t support our wellbeing and so it’s a good idea to take stock from time to time in order to check in with how we’re feeling and to make sure that we’re keeping a healthy balance.

This is some information I found on why this National Day was started:

National Simplicity Day was founded in honour of Henry David Thoreau, who was born on July 12, 1817.  Thoreau was an advocate of living simply and wrote a number of well-known books on the subject.

In the complicated world that we inhabit today where mobile phones, laptops and other modern day gadgets mean that we very rarely experience true peace and quiet to gather our thoughts, what better excuse to leave the technology at home and experience the feeling of truly being in the moment.

https://www.awarenessdays.com/awareness-days-calendar/national-simplicity-day-2019/

Synchronously, earlier this week I came across a post on Instagram that really resonated with me:

The simplicity in simply being is quite complicated.

But not really complicated at all.

It simply is.

But isn’t at all.

byraa_a

https://www.instagram.com/byraa_a/

I wish you a beautiful Simplicity Day, and hope that you can take the chance to get outside and appreciate the wonder of simply being present.